This is one of those few times I want to be real with everyone. Ever since 8 months ago, I’ve been feeling sad in one way or another. I can’t call it depression as I still have moments when I’m happy, just not as frequently as before. For me, the world turned upside-down, compared to last year, and I will be running through the days before that for the sake of letting readers know how I got here. After that, I’ll run through all the steps I’m taking to fix this.

The days before the disaster

Before September 2023, I was constantly happy and had only a few moments when I seemed unhappy or demoralized. I talked with my friends and people who I would later find out not to be my friends, and I had goals that I always respected.

I’m not going to go into details for reasons I can’t talk about, but since November 2022, I’ve worked as a developer on a Minecraft server. This server helped me make a couple of new friends (and I can’t thank enough the events that lead to this. Seriously, things would be worse without them). This server had a lot of potential, and it helped me develop my Go skills (shameless plug for my commissions, by the way) as we wanted to be one of the first servers to adopt Dragonfly to a production level.

Development and plans of the project were eventually shut down because of some controversies inside the staff team regarding impartiality as a response to a decision a friend and I made. Even if I technically lost a way to make a few bucks, I was happy because I made a few new friends along the way. Along with that, I managed to find a new client who I still work with today (that being Evident). I coded him a server dedicated to events with high player counts (the maximum registered was about 300, crazy I know).

Aside from that, I had the opportunity to talk with people and play games with them. Times were overall great during the summer. Sadly, summer ended, and, for reasons I can’t talk about yet (I will in the future, though), I ended up feeling sad most of the time.

“These are dark times”

Like I said at the beginning of this article, I don’t know if I can call it depression. It may be, but it could also be the way people are like at my age (which, even if you ask me multiple times, I won’t tell as I’m not comfortable with it). I’m not used to it at all, and maybe that’s the reason why I make it such a big deal. Starting from September 2023, I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was alone at first since I had no one to talk to about these issues (I won’t go into detail now, but now I do). The day before my birthday, I found something huge, and I was happy to share it with a group of friends. After that, there was a brief moment of hope for the better, but that soon ended as I started thinking more about that thing with less confidence. Some days passed, and I eventually found someone to talk to, with whom I would later build a lot of trust. Even if there were these moments when I seemed happy, it ended really soon most of the time, and I could not understand. It’s something that never happened last year.

The good news is that now it’s not as bad as it was a few months ago, but it still persists. This year, many sad things happened, which led me to start the search to find out who I really am.

Self-improvement

Sure, I frequently feel unhappy, but that led me to make a big difference in my life finally. So, I started working on a bit of self-improvement. I want to be better at doing things, I want to find out what makes me weak most of the time, and I’ve done a few things to fix that:

  1. Focus more on high-priority tasks: Even though it’s difficult for me (undiagnosed ADHD), I slowly started working more on those tasks that actually are important for me, rather than working on low priority tasks. I may still struggle at it, but I’m better than before.
  2. Find the things I’m actually interested in: By this, I mean that I started working more on myself and the things I actually like. This will be a very important topic in the future, but for now, it’s just simple things like finding out the way I want to do things and the music I actually want to listen to (as opposed to listening to what the majority of people listen to, that being what they call “rap”).
  3. Be more positive: It’s something I’m still working on, but for some reason, I wasn’t positive at all. I’m trying to work more into this, as I really want to be happy while stopping to think about the negatives all the time.

In conclusion…

Some of you may probably say this is a Reddit type of story, but I think it’s not. I’m not the type of guy to post random stuff about my personal life on Reddit. I know people can find genuine advice through that, but I like my website better, as it helps me focus on my thoughts without getting influenced by other people. This is the place I want to use as my blog, and so I will.

This is one of those few personal articles I will share on my website. I hope you liked it. I will definitely write more as I feel inspired to do so for some reason. Thank you all for reading this, and I’ll see you soon.